inward locus

How I Embraced The Uncertainity

March 19, 2020 | 2 min read

I must have been naïve to think of myself exclusive. It was immature to think that I was insusceptible. A cancer or an accident or a death were events I believed could happen to other people or in the movies. Even an epidemic or a war sounded like happenings in a distant countries or far-off places. I had a false pretence about all these. Believing I can only hear about them in news or happening to other people I know, but would never happen to myself or my family.

But here I am. I witnessed first death. I witnessed first accident. I went through medical interval where my loved ones suffered from cancer or similar fatal diseases. I witnessed that too. And like it was not enough, I also witnessed the complex and absorbing account of how a range of humans cope with the strangely awesome irrationality of epidemic.

Realisation of and adjustment to these catastrophe was very slow and inadequate.

Whenever I saw the ones suffering with some terminal disease or meeting with an accident, my naivety almost had me considering that it’s just a bad dream, that it’s just the mind playing evil tricks and it will pass away. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t really pass away. In fact, from one bad dream to another, it is men who pass away. The spectacle stays until the spectator stays. Nothing really changes.

But despite cataclysmic disorder, my elementary nature persists. Although it becomes asymmetrical bimodal, where the remains of naivety dwells in denial and the newly structured susceptible façade moves on with acceptance. The unyielding resistance, now limited yet significant, signals the emergence of new directive. The exclusiveness I possessed, my selfish thinking, is now filtered. It loses its control it had over me. And the resistance slowly results in the development of new supremacy of self-restraint. The patience to look beyond settles within.

I arrive at this simple understanding that worst calamity will always surprise me, there will be enough people dying and however difficult it may seem to admit but that’s what the life is all about. But what’s important is in spite of such sad turn of events personally, no event is worth turning back on what I love. My idea of heroism is in the interest of living for the ones I love.

All the evils or troubles ultimately helped me to rise above myself.

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